Recently, we had a scary incident occur at school for our twelve year old son Adam, that merits sharing.
At the beginning of the school year, Adam's first year in middle school, he befriended a boy I wasn't completely comfortable with. This young boy (we'll call him Joe) has endured a lot of hardship from the death of his father (who was murdered)to a mother who didn't seem to pay much attention to him. Adam, a kid with a big heart who befriends just about everyone, genuinely liked Joe and hung out with him. I remained cautious, but allowed him to invite Joe over from time to time. I shared my concern and how I felt about Joe with Adam, but his response was "mom, he doesn't have a dad and needs to be around a family." Who can argue with that logic?
Months went by and we didn't see Joe. I asked Adam about it and he said he didn't feel comfortable around him anymore. I wasn't about to argue with him since I was uncomfortable around him as well, but felt better knowing Adam could sense something wasn't right.
Fast forward another few months and Adam wanted to hang out with him again. I asked what had changed and he said- "Joe did." With trepidation, I allowed him to come over to the house, but required they stay in the yard so I knew what they were doing. When Joe left, Adam was annoyed. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I am disappointed in you."
"Why?"
"You wouldn't let us go anywhere. What did you think we were going to do?"
"Adam" I said, "you are sending me mixed messages. One minute you want to be friends with Joe and then the next minute you tell me you don't feel comfortable around him anymore. What has changed?"
"He has changed."
"How?" I asked. "You know Adam, I am taking my cues from you. If you feel something isn't right, you need to trust that knowing. It's your intuition and it's always right."
That was the end of the conversation at that point. However, this week we received a call from the school and Joe had been expelled from school for the rest of this year and half of next year. Not only had he brought a knife into school, but he threatened several kids, including Adam.
I don't know how to impress upon not only my own children, but other parents as well, how important it is to trust their feelings. Adam's intuition alerted him to the feeling that something wasn't right, but like kids often do, they give people the benefit of the doubt. The scariest part about the whole experience was that Adam didn't come home and tell us about the incident. He was scared, didn't want to talk about it and was worried I would "freak out". He also convinced himself that Joe would never have hurt anybody because he's too shy.
Again, I used this situation as another way to impress on my son his need to trust himself above all else. By not telling anyone, it could have turned out a lot differently. I also reminded him about the Virginia Tech massacre and how the one person that sensed something was amiss with the young man who murdered all of those people, didn't tell anyone either (we live in Virginia and had a babysitter who was at Tech when this happened, so it was more personal for us).
In this case things turned out okay, but more than anything else, tweens and teens NEED to trust their intuition. It's the only guarantee they have to feel their way through situations when everything on the surface looks normal. The stronger their knowing, the less likely they will be to jump in a car with someone who's been drinking or going somewhere with someone they aren't sure about.
It is my hope that people will read this and follow their feelings. I sensed from the getgo something wasn't right, but I remained aware and in tune and fortunately (or unfortunately) my feelings were accurate.
©2009 by Tara Paterson, All Rights Reserved
No comments:
Post a Comment