I have given a lot of thought to this post, because its necessary to be centered in a neutral space when sharing feelings or beliefs about anything, especially our views on parenting. We know everyone has a different lense for how we view the world and our role in it so let me be the first to say, this is through my own personal lense as an experienced and loving parent.
"Struggle" has been the name of the game for many people over the past few years. For my family personally, we have struggled since 2005 when the housing market was in its beginning stages of a major decline. My husband's business was dependent on people remodeling or adding on to their homes as he owned his own carpentry business. His work and ability to find it was coming to a rapid halt beginning in late 2005 only to hit bottom, as we have all witnessed has been the case for many over the past couple of years. We surrendered our home; bankrupted; moved twice; and have spent many sleepless nights wondering how to put food on the table for our children, much less concern ourselves with how to pay bills or least of all health insurance. Somehow we have remained intact, although it hasn't been easy.
As if that doesn't seem like the worst of it, my husband may be facing a health issue and is still desperately searching for work. We have 4 kids to provide for and he has bounced from four different jobs since November because of lack of work or lay offs due to pending projects. I am not slated to work again until late February or March. I lay awake at night or have thoughts constantly flowing through my head, that beg for the ability to take care of our children. As a parent I think we all worry about how to meet our children's needs especially in today's declining and uncertain economy. It really is scary what we may be facing and yes, I pray to God everyday to deliver us from the fear and concern that our needs won't be met.
So the bigger question I have been contemplating for the last several days, months and years, is what causes a parent(s) to think they have ever done enough to help their children when every other course of action has been followed through with? Again mind you, this is coming through my lense of being a conscious parent/ human being, who looks through the heart when responding to those in need.
Two years ago, I took on the most difficult task that could have been asked of me which was to take in my mother to live with us. My father passed suddenly at the age of 52 and my mom was left with her world turned upside down. After attempts by my siblings to care for her (and one prior attempt by me), in the end I had the compassion and strength to take on the responsibility. This was not an easy decision to make and to this day is almost a challenge daily, but we aren't asked only to do what's easy, but rather asked to do what God would do.
Would God ever turn to one of us and say- I've done all I can do; you're on your own now kid? Hopefully, this is a rhetorical question....
As a parent, I would go to the ends of the earth for my children. I would give them the shirt off of my back and if they were struggling in the world, because of unfortunate circumstances and I had the means to do something about it, I most definitely would. Heck I would do it for a stranger, but definitely my children first and foremost, if they were in need. Many of us would give a kidney, our blood or our life for our children.
I recognize that for some the idea of living through the heart is a foreign concept. Hell, for decades people have been living in the shadows of their true selves to conform to social norms. So many people in my parent's generation were raised to be disconnected. Disconnected from themselves, each other, God... I see emotional pain at war inside some people and they can't even see they're fighting themself. One side wants to be the person that reaches out and helps lift someone else from their heart, while the other side is conditioned by past thinking and the old energy of- you have to work hard and struggle the way we did; nothing was ever handed to us. The sad truth is that we are watching people struggle and suffer from stress induced illness and all for what? There is no lesson here to be learned folks. We are supposed to give the shirt off of our back and our cloak too. Of course some of us want to believe that because we attend church and go to bible study we are living "the word." If you can't see you have only been given that which you have, to offer as a way to give others a hand up, you haven't been paying attention to the sermon.
To the parents out there who feel they've done enough and would rather watch their children suffer than to be burdened with their child's issues, in the end the greater travesty is that the grandchildren are the one's who will suffer the most. They will be the one's who remember there was no food in the cupboards or no money to pay for music or art classes; no gloves for the cold or heat to warm the house; no gas to put in the car or health care to correct a serious health issue.
We have many good friends, all with kids, who have been hit as hard or harder than we have. What amazes me the most is it appears our generation has been the fallout for the mismanagement of values from the prior one and some have family members who stand in the very same mindset of- we've helped you enough. We also have friends whose parents have given them half of what little amount of money they had in the bank (one person's parents had $400 and gave them $200 and would have given it all, but needed it for something).
Family members who own multiple homes and yet every one of their children are struggling in some way (emotionally, spiritually, financially). I don't know about you, but I couldn't in good conscience go to sleep at night knowing I have excess while my children are without. Believe me, you can rationalize anything I'm saying by quickly judging why someone else has been put in the situation they're in, making excuses for why you feel justified with your stance or criticizing the choices people have made, but in the end the only thing that truly matters is what choice did you make when faced with the option of making the right one?
If this hits a nerve, perhaps it was intended to raise your awareness. If you agree, you are probably like me and give from the heart without judgement. If you don't care, this wasn't intended for you.
I know that each and every day I make choices that will be best for my children and family. If you don't believe our children chose to be here, then you chose to have them and need to take responsibilty for what you've taught them or are teaching them. If you are of the belief our children chose to come to their parents then view them as the mirror of your experience and allow them to help you grow more fully into the light.
In the end, you have nothing if you don't have an open heart. You will never be given the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven if you are kind to strangers, but turn your back on your family. You will never be able to face a higher power and justify why you didn't do more. You were told to do whatever was asked of you... believe me, its not easy. I live it on a daily basis!
©2010 by Tara Paterson, All Rights Reserved
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