My oldest son began middle school this year and has had struggles maintaining his authentic self. Recently, we’ve had a few incidents in which he has flexed his muscles of being a tween aged boy. He’s gotten in trouble for saying some things we have deemed inappropriate in our house and was caught texting in school. Nothing major and certainly nothing we have been overly concerned about.
In a two week period however, I received several calls from his teachers about assignments he wasn’t turning in and his talkativeness during class. The frequency of the calls (4 in 2 weeks) began to concern me so I sat down to connect with him and get to the bottom of what was going on. Fortunately, this child is communicative and has an easy time expressing his feelings. In this instance, it took a little more prodding, but what I uncovered was how he was feeling around some of the kids in school.
There had been a few times prior to this where he had shared the behaviors of some of the kids and at times how he was the target of their comments. In this situation, he had been a witness to some of the cruelty directed toward other kids and not wanting to be the recipient, he had kept quiet. A text book example of feeling like you’re caught between a rock and a hard place. I could relate to how he was feeling; when you can intuit things about the other kids you want to stay off of their radar, because you inevitably feel like you are next on the list for being attacked.
To sit across from this normally confident child and see his feelings pour out over the cruelty he was witnessing was heartbreaking. Knowing he didn’t approve, but couldn’t intervene was obviously going against his authentic nature and showing up by his falling behind in his school work. I discussed this with a few close friends to get their opinions about ways to guide him with how to handle this situation. For me, it was hitting too close to home to be impartial to his experience.
Their suggestions were informative and helpful. The first suggestion was for him to create his role in this dynamic.
• How could he avoid condoning their behaviors without becoming the target?
• What would give him the confidence he needed to be authentic and how would that look to him?
My close friend shared a story about her own daughter’s experience with needing to fit in with the group, but not wanting to drink alcohol. They identified a role for her that enabled her to be a part of the group, but not pressured to do what the other kids were doing. She became the designated driver to avoid the pressure to drink.
The second suggestion I received was to encourage my son to stay out of the drama. Encourage him to vocalize his objection- “I don’t do drama,” or “I don’t get into drama like this.” Words he could use that would empower him to feel confident enough to rise above the cruelty without the fear of becoming the next target. In this instance, he is viewed as the neutral party by everyone involved.
It’s no laughing matter, but the kid who remains neutral could be the one who throws a lifeline to the one’s being picked on. As parents, we hate to see any child being hurt and we especially don’t like to see our own children crumble under the pressure of their peers when it comes to standing up for another, but the backlash kids face today is often much worse than the feeling of being the hero.
So here’s what kids are facing in school with their peers, what about outside of school? Find out in my next post!
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