An Intuitive Tween Struggles to Remain Authentic

My oldest son began middle school this year and has had struggles maintaining his authentic self. Recently, we’ve had a few incidents in which he has flexed his muscles of being a tween aged boy. He’s gotten in trouble for saying some things we have deemed inappropriate in our house and was caught texting in school. Nothing major and certainly nothing we have been overly concerned about.

In a two week period however, I received several calls from his teachers about assignments he wasn’t turning in and his talkativeness during class. The frequency of the calls (4 in 2 weeks) began to concern me so I sat down to connect with him and get to the bottom of what was going on. Fortunately, this child is communicative and has an easy time expressing his feelings. In this instance, it took a little more prodding, but what I uncovered was how he was feeling around some of the kids in school.

There had been a few times prior to this where he had shared the behaviors of some of the kids and at times how he was the target of their comments. In this situation, he had been a witness to some of the cruelty directed toward other kids and not wanting to be the recipient, he had kept quiet. A text book example of feeling like you’re caught between a rock and a hard place. I could relate to how he was feeling; when you can intuit things about the other kids you want to stay off of their radar, because you inevitably feel like you are next on the list for being attacked.

To sit across from this normally confident child and see his feelings pour out over the cruelty he was witnessing was heartbreaking. Knowing he didn’t approve, but couldn’t intervene was obviously going against his authentic nature and showing up by his falling behind in his school work. I discussed this with a few close friends to get their opinions about ways to guide him with how to handle this situation. For me, it was hitting too close to home to be impartial to his experience.

Their suggestions were informative and helpful. The first suggestion was for him to create his role in this dynamic.
• How could he avoid condoning their behaviors without becoming the target?
• What would give him the confidence he needed to be authentic and how would that look to him?

My close friend shared a story about her own daughter’s experience with needing to fit in with the group, but not wanting to drink alcohol. They identified a role for her that enabled her to be a part of the group, but not pressured to do what the other kids were doing. She became the designated driver to avoid the pressure to drink.

The second suggestion I received was to encourage my son to stay out of the drama. Encourage him to vocalize his objection- “I don’t do drama,” or “I don’t get into drama like this.” Words he could use that would empower him to feel confident enough to rise above the cruelty without the fear of becoming the next target. In this instance, he is viewed as the neutral party by everyone involved.

It’s no laughing matter, but the kid who remains neutral could be the one who throws a lifeline to the one’s being picked on. As parents, we hate to see any child being hurt and we especially don’t like to see our own children crumble under the pressure of their peers when it comes to standing up for another, but the backlash kids face today is often much worse than the feeling of being the hero.

So here’s what kids are facing in school with their peers, what about outside of school? Find out in my next post!

An Intuitive Child's Authenticity

“You can’t go around being what everyone wants you to be, living your life through other people’s rules, and expect to be happy and have inner peace.” –Dr. Wayne Dyer

I remember what it was like to struggle as an intuitive young person. In an excerpt from Raising Intuitive Children, a book Caron and I co-authored, I recall an example of how as an intuitive person, I was viewed by my peers and what the world around me felt like.

“As an intuitive high school student, I always felt different from the other kids I went to school with. I was disappointed when I sensed a student being fake or inauthentic. I had an uncanny way of knowing when other students were gossiping or being cruel to myself or others. I quickly learned I wasn’t able to conform to one of the “cliques,” which often left me feeling like an outcast. I became an easy target for being picked on because I didn’t have the ability to change my personality. High school was an emotionally challenging time for my intuitive style.

“I also recall a time when girlfriends of mine were cruel to me. I remember being the target of a Halloween prank during my junior year of high school; when several girls decided it would be funny to egg me in the face at point blank range. What hurt most was that the one I thought was one of my best friend’s was part of the cruelty. Is this what having friends is like?”

Such incidences of bullying are common for intuitive and sensitive children and teens, even adults. The truth is we can only be authentic and true to our nature, because that’s all an intuitive child knows how to be; cruelty is a learned behavior.

In my next post, I will share how my intuitive tween aged son has struggled remaining true to his authentic self in a middle school setting.

Intuition & Early Year's Brain Power

Most people don't realize that children have 35% more brainpower than adults, enabling their intuition to be on full blast as children. Younger children don't have the ability to distinguish or even label or name realities. They experience realities through their intuition. For example, a two-year-old says hello to a human playmate, a stuffed animal, an angel in the corner of his room, a singer on MTV, or a character in a book. They are all experienced as real. A child's brainpower and intuitive capacity allow the child to view far more than us adults. In addition, our perception of realities differs based upon the culture in which we were raised. We live in a whole-brain world, and our brain capacity engages a holographic, logical-linear and intuitive ways of receiving information.

The neural connections and capacity of the early brain far exceeds that of the adult. Our brains develop only the potential networks that match or prove to be useful in their environment. In the early years of two through six, the brain has not distilled enough to distinguish between conception and perception that is inner-generated and outer-generated. This is a high time for intuitive intelligence to be at play in helping children process their world through feelings and awareness.

New Moms Are Highly Intuitive

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift."
–Albert Einstein

Yesterday, I sat down in a doctor's waiting room next to a new mom, whose infant's carrier was in the seat next to her. The newborn in the carrier was crying so desperately that I was near tears myself. I told myself that her crying infant was none of my business, and I watched the new mom grow increasingly nervous. Her eyes glanced around the doctor's office, as she felt the other patients be uncomfortable with the wailing child. She rocked the carrier, hoping to calm the baby. She covered the carrier with a thin blanket, hoping he might sleep. Nothing she did calmed the baby. Thirty minutes passed, and my inner voice was screaming in my head to guide this new mother. I had to act on my intuition.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can I hold your baby for you? I'm not sure what your parenting philosophy might be, but your baby really needs something, and his crying is getting desperate!"

"Oh thank you for saying that! I've been dying to pick him up, but this book I read said that I give in to him now, I'll spoil him and have difficulties for the rest of his life. But I'm his mother, and I'm withering inside because I want to cuddle him and feel his warm skin next to mine."

"Look, I don't know what book you're reading, but toss it in the trash. The entire science of bonding with babies starts with your physical, chemical connection to your child. He needs you. If your maternal intuition says to pick him up and cuddle, please do so. He won't learn that his world is safe without you and your loving touch. This is probably the best time in your life for following your intuition with your own child. Trust yourself!"

Intuitive Psychics

On the higher end of the range of intuitive intelligence are people with exceptional skills, which we call psychic. We use this term because of its popularity. People understand the word “psychic” thanks to televised shows featuring psychics, ghost whisperers, dog whisperers and mentalists. Other names include paranormal ability or psi. Intuition and extrasensory perception are, however, normal capabilities.

In the world of some psychic children, parents face the unknown, as do the children. The world becomes known through the eyes and interpretation of the perceiver. There are many families in which the parent and child are psychic, may experience the same vision, ghost, angel or deja-vu, and can share a “common mind” so to speak. Then there are parents who do not understand their child’s visions or worlds. From our years of experience, we have found some common ground to share with you.

Remain in the present moment when dealing with psychic experiences. Be in the here and now when dealing with phenomena.

Assume nothing about the experience. Rather, ask questions of the ghost or of the child who has the experience, and expect an answer.

Have no judgments about the experience because your child will feel it, even if you try to hide it. The younger the child, the more they internalize. The more psychic the child, the more they read your incongruence.

Be totally honest in your feelings and conversations. Admitting you don’t know is okay and helping your child find the inner answers is even better.

Remain centered and calm yourself

The psychic child seeks solace from the parent and expects the parent to understand what they are seeing or sensing. Right away, empower your children to confront the situation. Hand in hand, go together to talk with the ghost, dismiss the ghost from the premises, touch the ghost and ask questions directly. The point here is that even though we feel like we are flying by the seat of our pants, being proactive is better than allowing children to remain frightened night after night, as if the situation will change, and it usually doesn’t.

Facing fear and moving through it has an exhilarating result for the psychic child, a leap into confidence that you facilitated as a parent. So let us hear what you have done to empower your child??

Spiritual intelligence and intuition are intimately linked for a child who has strengths in both areas, providing checks-and-balances for their insight.